Emotions
Emotions
We all know that happiness is good and sadness is bad, right? After all, who would rather be crying in their beer than raising a glass of champagne in celebratory bliss?
But your emotions aren''''t black and white. In fact, they''''re quite neutral. Whether an emotion is "good" for you or "bad" for you really depends on how you respond to it.
Because of this, we should welcome all emotions--regardless of their connotation, says Carl Hammerschlag, M.D., a psychiatrist in Tucson, Arizona, and author of Dancing Healers and Theft of the Spirit. "We can''''t legislate emotions into submission, because feelings can''''t be legislated. You have to own your emotions and decide what to do with them."
A Plus of Womanhood
In a way, being female is a bonus when it comes to showing feelings. We''''re allowed to express joy and get more excited than men. If we cry, we''''re seen as warm, feeling and expressive. Men are often called unmanly.
The "permission" to be expressive is helpful for women, because reining in emotions can be dangerous business. Holding in feelings is like letting pressure build up inside a balloon. If the pressure soars too high, the balloon will pop. Strong emotions often leak out in physical illnesses or in sarcasm, passive-aggressive behavior, numbness and withdrawal.
| Unmasking Your Anger During an argument with a man, you might think he can tell that you''''re about to pop your cork--but guess again. While you might wear your other emotions on your sleeve, anger could be the one you keep up your sleeve--sometimes until it''''s too late. When you''''re in an argument, try to carefully verbalize the things that make you angry early on. You want to do that before the argument builds to a level where it explodes, says Naomi Rotter, Ph.D., industrial psychologist and professor of management at the School of Industrial Management at the New Jersey Institute of Technology in Newark. "Don''''t assume that someone is reading your angry looks, or assume that people are face readers--especially men," she notes. Dr. Rotter knows of what she speaks. In a 1988 study of how men and women can read facial expressions, 1,100 undergraduates were shown 120 head shots of men and women who displayed expressions of anger, fear, sadness and disgust. While women proved better at expressing and identifying emotions, anger was the hardest for people of both sexes to identify. This was especially true when men and women were trying to interpret the expression being shown by a woman. "Men can identify anger in men much better than in women," Dr. Rotter says. What are the implications of these findings? In some social situations a woman might try to communicate anger to a man with her expression, assuming that''''s the only appropriate way to convey her anger. So you flash a look. "But if you flash a look and men can''''t understand it, imagine how the frustration will start to build," says Dr. Rotter. |
So where do all these feelings come from? They''''re signals that pass from the central areas of the brain to the more peripheral location--the cerebrum--and back again. The endocrine system then releases the appropriate hormones, allowing us to experience the emotions. They''''re triggered by internal or external stimuli. Basic emotions are short-term but can become long-term, such as when happiness turns into love.
Temper, Temper
Even though women have the advantage when it comes to being able to show the "softer" emotions such as joy and sadness, there''''s still one taboo for the so-called fairer sex: Anger.
The anger taboo has to do with social learning, notes Scott Vrana, Ph.D., associate professor in the Department of Psychological Sciences at Purdue University in West Lafayette, Indiana. "As they grow up they''''re taught different things about anger. Boys learn it''''s appropriate, while girls are taught not only that it isn''''t appropriate to express anger but also that it''''s not appropriate to feel it, either."
Anger''''s original purpose was to stimulate the body to action in the face of danger--to fuel flight and ensure survival. To that end there''''s a whole cascade of biological changes, otherwise known as the "fight-or-flight response," that accompany angry feelings.
When your body leaps into the fight-or-flight response, your blood pressure shoots up as your heart pumps vast amounts of blood away from your skin and internal organs and directs it toward the large muscles in your legs and arms, enabling you to fend off or to flee. Clot-forming platelets in your blood prepare to repair potential wounds by becoming stickier. Your muscles tense as they prime themselves to run, strike or protect your body from blows. Fat cells release fat into your bloodstream to be used for emergency energy. And your body suppresses your immune system to prevent it from making antibodies that will attack your own tissues if you''''re injured in the fray.
"These physiological changes were helpful when we routinely fled the wrath of saber-toothed tigers two million years ago," says Redford Williams, M.D., professor of psychiatry at Duke University in Durham, North Carolina, and coauthor of Anger Kills. "But today, the biggest daily threat most of us face is a traffic jam or an unreasonable boss."
The Many Faces of Fury
Anger begins to be harmful to your health when it churns inside of you with no means for escape. It''''s this double-damaging combination of hostility and suppression that often leads to anger-induced illness and disease, doctors say.
"Our studies show that women who generally perceive the world as unfair and who suppress their hostile feelings experience the greatest and most prolonged physical responses to anger," says Kathleen Lawler, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville. "And their anger comes back to haunt them. In fact, just remembering what upset them in the first place pushes up their blood pressure."
To keep your blood pressure low--and your body free of all of anger''''s damaging effects--you can adopt a healthy dose of optimism and assertiveness by using the following techniques for managing your angry emotions.
Analyze your feelings. Dr. Williams suggests asking yourself the following three questions when trying to cope with hostile feelings.
1. Is the situation worth my continued attention? You might ask yourself, for instance, whether a rude comment from a crabby waitress will affect your life in ten years--or even tomorrow. If your answer is yes, move on to question 2. If your answer is no, make a conscious effort to let go of your anger. Laugh off the comment. Change the subject. Your current feelings are ultimately inconsequential, so why suffer needlessly?
2. Am I justified? In other words, maybe you misunderstood your brother-in-law''''s remark; maybe you didn''''t. Carefully contemplate the other person''''s side, and if you still feel justified in getting angry, move on to question 3. If you don''''t, consciously force yourself to release your resentment.
3. Do I have an effective response? Think hard. Will complaining to your boss about a co-worker, for instance, reap positive results? If your answer is yes, your response is a productive one. Proceed in a solution-oriented manner.
If your answer to any one of these questions is no, you have two alternatives, according to Dr. Williams: (1) You can let go of the anger because there''''s nothing you can do about it. (This would be appropriate in, say, a traffic jam, where you obviously have good reason to be aggravated, but you don''''t have any real means of effecting change.) And (2) You can brainstorm. Ask a friend, your partner or a trusted co-worker for help in developing an effective strategy for handling your sticky situation.
Assert yourself. On the other hand, if you answer yes to all three questions, then you have a signal to act, says Dr. Williams. But be sure to act effectively by being assertive, not by exploding in rage--which can be equally harmful to your health as suppression.
Using assertiveness rather than anger, you may be able to confront your selfish sibling or (continued on page 98) back-stabbing colleague with great results. Just make sure that you communicate your frustration as positively and constructively as possible, says Dr. Lawler, so that the confrontation doesn''''t deteriorate into diatribes, blaming or stony silence.
Exert control. Feeling frustrated, powerless and angry in one area of your life? Dr. Lawler suggests defusing your feelings by creating another arena in which you have control and are successful. Audit a course, learn a craft, compete in a sport, take on a part-time job. You''''ll feel surprisingly empowered--and less vexed.
Exercise. Research suggests that people who are aerobically fit have a diminished fight-or-flight response and an enhanced calming response. The exercise or combination of exercises you choose is immaterial as long as you put your body through its paces for 30 minutes at a time, at least three days a week.
Keep a cool head. Count to ten before you yell back during heated arguments. Try to visualize positive outcomes to a situation that''''s turning confrontational and then try to act so you get to a satisfying conclusion, suggests Dr. Lawler.
Good Foods for Blue Moods
Well, you know how it gets sometimes. You have the blahs or the blues. You wish you had some get-up-and-go, but everything seems like too much trouble. You pick up a book and put it down--not interesting. You turn on the TV and turn it off--nothing good is on. Then you open the fridge and reach for that leftover slice of chocolate cake--and begin to eat.
If this sounds like you, you''''re not alone. Lots of people turn to food when they have "the blahs." Too often, though, all that food indulgence leads to even more "bumming out," say experts.
"It happens all the time," says Larry Christensen, Ph.D., chairman of the Department of Psychiatry at the University of South Alabama in Mobile. "You lose your job, you feel depressed and you start eating. Pretty soon, you''''re still feeling bad long after the depression about the job has passed. And you''''re still overeating."
"People who are depressed tend to eat large amounts of refined, processed sweet foods," explains Peter Manu, M.D., director of the Medical Services Department of Psychiatry at Long Island Jewish Medical Center and associate professor of medicine and psychiatry at Albert Einstein College of Medicine in Glen Oaks, New York. "What they don''''t realize is that by eating all of these foods, they''''re creating a nutritional deficit. Refined processed flours and sugars not only have limited nutritional value but they also require vitamins and minerals to process them."
The foods we reach for during these blue-mood moments are likely to be high in carbohydrates. These come in two forms: simple--like table sugar, candy bars and chocolate cake--and complex, like pasta and whole-grain bread. Simple carbohydrates act like crumpled up newspapers in your body''''s furnace. They burn fast and furious, and then they''''re gone. Complex carbohydrates are like seasoned logs; they burn for hours.
Since carbohydrates increase soothing serotonin levels in your brain, it makes sense that you would crave carbohydrates in times of woe. For most of us, a candy bar sounds better than a bowl of pasta when the weight of the world becomes burdensome. But if you want to rise out of the depression doldrums, it''''s better to reach for the pasta instead of the candy bar, say experts.
Taming the Green-Eyed Monster
It''''s often unjustified and leaves you feeling insecure. It''''s negative and can tear a relationship apart. The green-eyed-monster emotion we''''re talking about is, of course, jealousy--and it''''s bad news all around, right?
| Depression When writer William Styron fell into a devastating depression in 1985, death seemed his only escape from the darkness. "Death by heart attack seemed particularly inviting, absolving me as it would of active responsibility, and I had toyed with the idea of self-induced pneumonia--a long, frigid, shirt-sleeved hike through the rainy woods," Styron wrote in his 1990 memoir, Darkness Visible. "Such hideous fantasies, which cause well people to shudder," he explained, "are to the deeply depressed mind what lascivious daydreams are to persons of robust sexuality." Luckily for Styron, his suicidal thoughts stayed just that--thoughts. He checked himself into a hospital for a seven-week stay that eventually led him out of his crippling emotional state. It Can Get Depressing Although Styron''''s bout with depression was more torturous than many, he''''s not alone in wrestling with the demons. One in 20 Americans now suffers from a depression severe enough to require medical treatment, and 1 in 5 will have depression at some time in their lives. So how do you know if you''''re depressed or just blue? After all, feelings of sadness, pessimism and hopelessness affect everyone sometime in their lives. But if depression occurs without any apparent trigger, then deepens and persists--affecting behavior and your physical being--it becomes part of a true depressive illness. According to the guidelines that psychiatrists and psychologists use, if you''''ve had five or more of the following symptoms for more than two weeks--and if any of these symptoms are interfering with work or family life, you should see a doctor to be evaluated for depression. * Persistent sad or empty mood * Loss of interest or pleasure in ordinary activities, including sex * Decreased energy, fatigue, being slowed down * Sleep disturbances such as insomnia, early-morning wakening or oversleeping * Eating disturbances such as loss of appetite, loss of weight or weight gain * Difficulty concentrating, remembering or making decisions * Feelings of guilt, worthlessness or helplessness * Thoughts of death or suicide, suicide attempts (This is always a signal to see a doctor, even if it is not accompanied by other symptoms.) * Irritability * Excessive crying * Chronic aches and pains that don''''t respond to treatment Turning Lemons into Lemonade The possible treatments for depression range from therapy to medication and often include a combination of both. But many people have developed practical techniques for those times when they''''re just feeling blue. And studies have shown that it''''s not life''''s hard knocks themselves that make you sad or worried or angry. It''''s more the way you interpret an event than the event itself that affects your mood. "In all situations, it''''s what you''''re telling yourself that created your emotions," says David D. Burns, M.D., clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the Presbyterian Medical Center of Philadelphia and author of Ten Days to Self-Esteem. That''''s good news, he says, because we have the ability to change how we look at the events in our lives. Research by Dr. Burns and his colleague, clinical psychologist Jacqueline Persons, Ph.D., indicate that when it comes to looking at the world, it doesn''''t matter if you''''re rich or poor, brilliant or average, old or young, well-educated or not. Looking at Things Another Way Changing your thoughts has a huge impact on how you feel. Here are some strategies to help you change your thoughts and find some shortcuts to the brighter side. Examine the evidence. Let''''s say you''''re responsible for planning an event, and it doesn''''t go well. Afterward, you might think, "I never do anything right." If that''''s the kind of thought running through your head, examine the evidence, suggests Dr. Burns. "Aren''''t there some things you actually do quite well? It may be that this event didn''''t go well, and you can learn from the experience." Think in shades of gray. Many of us think in absolute terms, says Dr. Burns--a total failure or an absolute disaster. But in fact, there are always shades of gray. "Events are always a mixture of good and bad--never just one or the other," he notes. Don''''t apply the old double standard. Consider the negative things you may be telling yourself. Would you be saying these things to dear friends when they''''re feeling down? asks Dr. Burns. Of course not! "So talk to yourself the way you talk to others," he notes. "I''''ve found that most people who are depressed are a lot more reasonable and generous toward someone else than themselves." Tune in to radio station K-R-A-Z-Y. "There''''s a radio station playing in your head," says Hal Stone, Ph.D., and Sidra Stone, Ph.D., co-authors of Embracing Your Inner Critic: Turning Self-Criticism into a Creative Asset. We call it radio station K-R-A-Z-Y, and it broadcasts a running monologue of self-critical statements. If we''''re constantly putting ourselves down, many of us aren''''t even consciously aware of that critical litany running in our heads. So the first step is to pay attention to the things you say about yourself. Catch yourself when you look disapprovingly at your face in the mirror. Take note when you start reviewing your day in the car on the way home from work and cataloguing your mistakes, they say. It may be easier if you record your inner critic''''s comments in a notebook. When you start to hear those comments next time, you can recognize them and switch channels to look forward to something coming up or getting into some activity you enjoy. Talk to a friend. When you talk about your worries, it deflates those worries. "The cat is out of the bag, and thank goodness, it is just a cat, not some horrible monster," says Daniel Wegner, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville. |
Well, usually. But believe it or not, the brand of jealousy that''''s more often called envy can be healthy, says Herbert Fensterheim, Ph.D., clinical professor of psychology in psychiatry at Cornell University Medical College in New York City and author of Stop Running Scared. "Envy can be a motivator. You can think, ''''I really like his car--what could I do to get one?'''' and it could spur you on to do well." But Dr. Fensterheim does draw a distinction between envy and jealousy. "Jealousy is destructive."
The difference? Jealousy always comes from uncertainty about yourself, says Dr. Hammerschlag. "It''''s that you''''re insecure. It''''s a part of you that says, ''''As much as I want to believe I''''m effective, part of me is unsure.'''' "
You don''''t have to let the monster get the upper claw. Here''''s what you can do to tame it.
Catch that thought. Before a thought can lead to jealousy, calmly but firmly tell yourself to stop, notes Dr. Fensterheim. "Relax five to six seconds and think of something else. If the thought comes back in half a second or in a minute or a day, continue to stop, relax and divert the thought."
Love thyself. The better you feel about who you are, the sooner the jealousy will disappear, notes Dr. Hammerschlag. "Don''''t become crippled by ego. The ego is never convinced it''''s perfect--it''''s an absolute pig. The more you feed it, the bigger it gets."
Let yourself go. Whenever you have negative thoughts and feelings, concentrate instead on relaxing, notes Dr. Fensterheim. Try to relax your shoulder muscles by rolling them forward. Take a deep breath, hold it seven seconds and let it out while thinking of a pleasant scene. Do it twice an hour--once on the hour and once on the half hour. Dr. Fensterheim believes that it''''s possible to train yourself to do it so that it''''s not obvious to those around you. "I once did it on live TV, and the interviewer never even knew I was doing it."
Accentuate the positive. Focus on making time to do the things you enjoy doing, says Dr. Fensterheim. Devote time to the connections that give you a sense of joy. If you''''re into in-line skating, then while you''''re doing it, for that moment, it suspends you from your preoccupation, he notes.
Anticipate inadequacy. Don''''t let life''''s setbacks make you feel inferior. That''''s a feeling that definitely leads to jealousy, says Dr. Hammerschlag.
"Life is like tennis," he notes. "When someone serves an ace, do you stand there saying, ''''I can''''t believe it,'''' over and over again? No. You walk over to the other side of the court and the game continues. Yeah, there are going to be problems and disappointments, but there''''s always joy, too."
