Sex

From glancing at television, the movies or advertising, you''''d think the average woman was a walking hurricane of run-amok hormones, dying for a Fabio look-alike to ravish her at the drop of a loin cloth.

Look at the come-hither, close-to-nude babes in the high-gloss ads for amazing fragrances and stupendous styles.

So what if you have naked people advertising clothing?

Sex--especially sexy women--sells.

Temptresses fill both the small and large screen, from the man-eating executive Amanda Woodward on television''''s Melrose Place to the same type of man-eater (with additional cleavage in the form of Demi Moore) in the movie Disclosure. While these shows come and go with the seasons, you can always be sure that new starlets will appear to flaunt their attributes.

But the blame for our obsession with sex can''''t fall entirely on the media. After all, the appeal of the sex act is very real--even though for women, it has more to do with our deep-seated desire for connection than with outright lust, notes Barbara Levinson, R.N., Ph.D., licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of the Center for Healthy Sexuality in Houston.

"It''''s about the urge to procreate and to couple. We are a coupling society. The urge to be with other people is in our collective unconscious," says Dr. Levinson. "It''''s a way we''''ve learned to love and be intimate. It gives a connection with a partner and also with oneself."

Well-Connected?

Bonding with a soul mate is fine and dandy, but pleasure is definitely nothing to sneeze at. And when we start to ask for details, women are much more likely than men to report a problem coming to climax. In fact, although 65 percent of men report always reaching orgasm during lovemaking, only 15 percent of women report the same thing.

Not surprisingly, many of us are still hampered sexually by the age-old attitude that nice girls don''''t, notes Gina Ogden, Ph.D., licensed marriage and family therapist in Cambridge, Massachusetts, and author of Women Who Love Sex. "Many women are subjected to negative messages about sex. Women who love sex are called sluts," she says. "We have earned the right to say no to sexual abuse but not the right to say yes to sexual pleasure. It''''s as if the country is in a kind of cultural missionary position--with men on top."

Our attitudes toward sex--whether conscious or unconscious--are largely shaped by the families we grew up in, says Dr. Levinson. Look back at how you learned about sex. What was the sexual atmosphere in the house? Were boundaries violated? Some families overvalue sex by talking about it constantly, while others undervalue it by being completely silent. All these factors could influence how you view sex today, she says.

"Ask yourself what your value system is. Were you told that sex is dirty?" Dr. Levinson asks. "Or were your parents open about it, letting you feel good about your body and giving you the appropriate information?"

Regardless of what messages you''''ve been hit with, you can discover a fulfilling sex life.

Reaching the Top

When it comes to climbing the heights to sexual fulfillment, you might say that women take the stairs while men take the elevator. Or, to put it in culinary terms, men are microwaves and women are Crock-Pots. We just need a lot more time to reach that ever-elusive peak.

In a way, women''''s sexual responses are similar to men''''s. Each goes through the four stages of desire--excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution--with distinct changes in blood flow accompanying these stages.

For men the increase in blood flow leads to a prominent result: an erection. In women arousal is almost invisible. In fact, many women aren''''t even aware when they are aroused. One reason is because there are so many things going on in the female body during this phase that it''''s hard to recognize any one distinct change. But certainly, there''''s something going on.

The process starts when the erectile tissue within the clitoris fills with blood and the clitoris becomes hard. Both the inner and outer vaginal lips swell, and the inner lips may turn dark wine red or bright red. The vagina also gets wet--the result of a fluid that comes from the vaginal walls. The muscles that support the uterus may start to clench, causing the uterus to lift up off the vagina, and the far end of the vagina--the cul-de-sac--to be revealed.

As you get closer to orgasm, the areolae, or dark skin surrounding your nipples, become prominently swollen, which may create the visual illusion that your nipples are no longer erect. In women who have never breastfed a child, breast size might increase by 20 to 25 percent. Breathing becomes shallow and rapid.

When you finally hit orgasm, all kinds of things are going on in your body: The muscles around your uterus and cervix spasm so that your abdomen sucks in. Your blood pressure, breathing and heart rate reach a peak. You may feel a tingling sensation in some parts of your body, and a feeling of warmth moves from your genitals up to your face, chest and neck.

Finding Out What Turns You On

As we all know, the elusive "Big O" is about much more than physical responses--especially for women, says Marilyn Volker, Ed.D., a sexologist in private practice in Coral Gables, Florida.

"Orgasm is a biological, psychological, social and sexual response. Most people take it for granted, but it''''s very complex," says Dr. Volker. What can get in the way, she notes, are messages--good or bad.

There''''s pressure nowadays for women to climax--something that sometimes makes women fudge a bit. It''''s not difficult to fake an orgasm or two, as Meg Ryan proved in the classic moaning-and-groaning-in-the-deli scene in When Harry Met Sally. But don''''t give in to that temptation, says Dr. Volker.

"If you fake it, say to yourself, ''''If he asks me afterward if I had one, will I tell the truth?'''' Like many people who have had to face issues about orgasm, you may find that honesty can lead to better understanding. A lot of women fake because they don''''t want to have the kind of intimacy that says they need more stimulation," she says. Also, pretending that you''''re satisfied is sending your partner the message that whatever he''''s been doing works for you.

Magazine articles, talks with friends and personal experience may have convinced you that most women simply don''''t have earth-shattering orgasms.

Some of the women''''s magazines you may have read for sexual advice stress affection rather than physical pleasure. Each in its own way may pronounce that most women care less about penis size than the color of a man''''s eyes.

And you may have read that most women don''''t (and won''''t ever) have vaginal orgasms during intercourse. Many articles even assure readers that an absence of orgasm during sex is okay.

"Women aren''''t supposed to admit that they enjoy healthy, exuberant sex," says Rene Denfeld, author of The New Victorians. "Even when we''''re talking to friends or thumbing the pages of magazines, it''''s supposed to be about romance, not sex."

This lack of candor contributes to a general shortage of knowledge about how our bodies are designed and how our muscles can best be strengthened to maximize sexual sensation.

Which Path to the Peak?

When it comes to achieving orgasm, there''''s one thing we know for sure: Everyone is unique. Although some women''''s strongest orgasms are torrid, ecstatic experiences, these same women say that their typical orgasms are less intense and are more sensual. On the other hand, about 12 percent of women say they have never experienced orgasm at all.

Many women--up to 70 percent--require direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. But even though clitoral orgasms are most common, you can also climax from stimulation of the G-spot, the well-publicized term for an area of extreme sensitivity somewhere in the vagina. Stimulating that vaginal area can produce an intense orgasmic response in some women. Occasionally, that response is accompanied by a female ejaculation--the expulsion of a large amount of thin, clear liquid that''''s composed of a substance similar to semen without the sperm.

It was the famed sex researcher, the late Alfred Kinsey, D.Sc., originally a zoologist at Indiana University, who pioneered the view that the clitoris provides the only route to female orgasm.

In experiments using cotton-tipped probes to gently stroke the inner walls of the vagina, Kinsey concluded that the vagina has so few nerve endings that it''''s about as sensitive as a kidney. William Masters, M.D., and Virginia Johnson, then a husband-and-wife research team, supported Dr. Kinsey''''s premise during the 1960s when they proclaimed that a woman''''s sexual response resides in the clitoris alone.

"No matter how an orgasm is produced (by masturbation, oral sex, vaginal intercourse, anal intercourse or use of a dildo or vibrator), most women describe their subjective orgasmic sensations as emanating initially from a sudden burst of warmth and pleasure in the clitoris," reported Dr. Masters and Johnson and Robert Kolodny, M.D., in their book Heterosexuality.

Although women often report having that type of orgasm, others have the kind that arises from deep within the vagina--similar to the type described by psychologist John D. Perry, Ph.D., and his co-authors in their best-seller The G-Spot. Dr. Perry argued that many women have a sensitive area on the upper or front wall of their vaginas and that touching or rubbing this so-called G-spot could trigger what Sigmund Freud would have referred to as vaginal orgasms.

Sounds specific enough, but the idea of a distinct spot designated solely for sexual pleasure confused a lot of women. Most of us couldn''''t find it--couldn''''t even figure out how to search for it--and the concept of an elusive place guaranteed to produce absolute ecstasy for all those who chance upon it fell out of favor.

Good Vibrations

Twelve years after The G-Spot came out, Dr. Perry tried to clarify what he meant by a G-spot. It turns out that the G-spot is a little less gimmicky than it sounds. "It''''s really not important where or what the spot is," Dr. Perry says. "Our whole point was that the vagina is sensitive--and it is."

The resulting orgasm is different from a clitoral orgasm. Dr. Masters and Johnson describe the bodily changes that occur during clitoral orgasms as "tenting." The internal organs (such as the bladder and uterus) are pulled up toward the breasts, expanding the top of the vagina.

During a vaginal orgasm, on the other hand, the internal organs are pushed downward, contracting the upper half of the vagina. "The top of the vagina contracts and the bottom expands to create a pushing-out effect," explains Alice Ladas, Ed.D., a New York City sex therapist and a co-author of The G-Spot. "In fact, if you''''re having intercourse and you have a vaginal orgasm, the man may be forced out."

Unfortunately, the front wall of the vagina isn''''t the only neglected pleasure zone in our clitoris-centric climate. The cervix, that bulging plug about the size of a quarter forming the entrance to the uterus, is highly sensitive in some women. You might also be highly sensitive in the area of the cul-de-sac--the very far end of the vaginal canal that surrounds the cervix--which may be closed off, depending on your state of arousal or position.

Action to Satisfaction

Every couple is different in terms of physiology and inclination. Even minor changes in position such as bending your knees, tilting your pelvis or raising your legs can result in huge pleasure payoffs--simply by altering the angles your body creates so that your lover''''s penis rubs against your newly identified pleasure spots. But general guidelines for targeting your most sensitive spots do apply. Here are a few.

Find the front wall. Any movement that brings the front wall of the vagina down to meet the penis can heighten pleasure for some women. The best way to stimulate that area depends on the length of your partner''''s penis, your position during sex and the location of your sensitive area, says Dr. Ladas.

For some women the sensitive area is on the front wall toward the opening of the vagina. Others find that it is deep inside the vagina, toward the back.

If your partner''''s penis points straight out or downward when it''''s erect, rear entry is often ideal for front-wall stimulation. This won''''t work, however, if your partner''''s penis is short and your area of sensitivity is deep inside your vagina.

If your partner''''s penis is long and your sensitive area is toward the front of your vagina, then you may not want him to push deep inside you at first, says Dr. Ladas. With less penetration his penis will come in contact with that sensitive front area during arousal.

If your partner''''s penis points up toward his stomach when it''''s erect, a modified missionary position may be ideal for you. Try lying on your back with your lower back pushed down, your pelvis tilted up and your knees bent up toward your chest, so your legs can rock in sync with your pelvic movements.

"This position tends to give the woman the most stimulation in the pubococcygeal muscle area (the area around the vaginal opening), the clitoral area and the front wall, and it provides the best chance of opening up the cul-de-sac," says Barbara Keesling, Ph.D., sex therapist in Orange, California, and author of Sexual Pleasure. "So it''''s a great position all around."

Other adjustments may do the trick, too--no matter what the angle or size of your partner''''s penis. Try supporting the small of your back with your hands or a pillow while you have sex, says Dr. Keesling. Or ask your partner to lift you slightly as he thrusts. Also, try bringing one leg forward--almost as though you''''re doing a split. "This can change the shape of the vagina and create a new sensation," she says.

Survey the cervix. If the cervix is one of your hot spots, consider trying a position that allows your partner''''s penis to penetrate deeply. Rear entry is one way. Or, try a modified missionary position, raising your legs up over your partner''''s shoulders as he enters. Or, if your partner has a very short penis, you can use a penile extender, says Dr. Ladas. This little cap fits over the head of the penis to lengthen its reach. Penile extensions are available in sex shops or by mail order.

Reach the cul-de-sac. The key to stimulating this area is also depth of penetration. A rear-entry position in which the woman leans her head and breasts on the bed and loops her legs around her partner''''s allows especially good access to the cul-de-sac, says Dr. Keesling.

Build Some PC Power

Great sex requires more than an emotional connection. It demands real physical strength as well.

It''''s important to learn to identify and use the four groups of muscles--the pubococcygeal muscles, the uterine muscle, the diaphragm and the pelvic muscles--that can heighten your pleasure during sex. Building strength in those muscles will increase your newfound sexual enjoyment. A good place to begin is with the two sets of muscles that ring the vaginal opening and the set that surrounds the anus. These are collectively referred to as the PC muscles (short for pubococcygeal). Proper toning of these muscles can heighten a clitoral orgasm even though the clitoris itself is not directly attached to, but rather bounded by, those PC muscles.

"An exercised muscle receives more blood, more oxygen and more nutrients than a sedentary muscle," says James White, Ph.D., professor emeritus of exercise physiology at the University of California, San Diego. "As a result, you experience greater arousal and a heightened sensation of pleasure when you''''re working with exercised PC muscles."

"The case for PC workouts is even stronger if you''''re interested in having vaginal orgasms," says Dr. Ladas. "Research shows that the weaker your PC muscles, the less likely you are to be vaginally orgasmic."

Here''''s why: Vaginal orgasms depend on contractions of the PC muscles to create sensation. So the more developed your PC muscles, the more intense your orgasms. "I''''m convinced that a lot of women with very weak PC muscles may have orgasms and just not feel them," says Dr. Perry. "The weakness of the muscles may render their orgasms imperceptible to them."

To identify your PC muscles, sit on the toilet with your knees apart. Urinate and then try to stop the flow. Or lie down on your back and try to contract your vagina around two fingers.

As you do so, try to distinguish between two sets of muscles--the set located at the entrance to the vagina and the other set positioned deeper inside. Ideally, you should be able to flex and release each group separately. The third set of muscles that constitute the PC group is the muscles that ring your anus. Contract and release these to identify them as well.

To do the most effective PC exercises, you should contract the vaginal muscles around resistance provided by your fingers or your partner''''s penis. But you can increase the muscles'''' strength even if you contract them without resistance. Here are the two basic exercises.

Flexes (also called Kegels). Tighten your PC muscles for one second, then relax them for one second. Repeat this exercise 10 times. As your strength improves, increase the amount of time you contract and relax. Gradually work up to ten seconds of holding and ten seconds of relaxing at a time.

Flutters. Contract and release the PC group as quickly as possible. Start by doing 10 at a time. Gradually work up to 100.

Work Out the Others

In addition to the PCs, other muscles associated with sexual pleasure can be tuned up to boost your satisfaction. Here''''s how.

Use your uterine muscle. Believe it or not, uterine contractions can contribute to orgasmic sensation, so building the strength of the uterine muscle can help intensify pleasure. The trouble is that the uterine muscle is tough to target. So try this, suggests Dr. Keesling: Lie on your back and raise your knees, then tighten the various muscles in your lower abdomen. If you feel air entering or exiting your vagina as you contract, you have found the uterine muscle.

Double your diaphragm power. Another key player in the vaginal orgasm is the diaphragm, a muscular parachute that arches over the liver and is called upon to push out bowel movements and bear down during childbirth. By contracting your diaphragm, you compress the space in which your internal organs reside, says Dr. White. They bunch together, pushing the front wall of your vagina downward toward your partner''''s penis. The result? Increased vaginal sensation.

Dr. Ladas recommends a specific exercise to target both the PCs and the diaphragm: Tighten the muscles around the rim of your vagina, then contract the muscles located deeper inside the vaginal canal. After holding for a few seconds, push out as though you''''re having a bowel movement. Then release all the muscle groups and relax for a few seconds. Repeat five times.

Do some pelvic workouts. The position of your pelvis, the heart-shaped bone that creates your hips, determines the angle of your vaginal canal and the positioning of your clitoris. If you strengthen and stretch the muscles in your buttocks, abdomen and lower back, you can control how your pelvis--and your pleasure zones--are positioned. In other words, you can make your physiology work for you.

First, stand in front of a mirror and put your hands on your hips, keeping your knees relaxed, not locked. Then try rotating your hips without moving your shoulders or upper body.

If you can isolate your hips and move them forward, backward, to either side and around in a circle, you can control your pelvic positioning, says Dr. Ladas. If your body moves woodenly, experts recommend the following exercises to increase your range of movement.

Pelvic rolls. Lie on your back with your knees bent. Slowly rock your pelvis up without lifting the small of your back from the floor. You should feel your gluteal (butt) muscles contract and those in your lower back stretch, says Dr. Keesling. Repeat ten times.

Abdominal crunches. Lie on your back with your knees bent and your feet flat on the floor. Rest your fingertips lightly beside your ears. Contract and pull in your abdominal muscles, then curl your head and shoulders upward until your lower back is pressed into the floor. Pause for three to five seconds, then continue to contract your abdominal muscles as you gradually lower your torso to the floor. Repeat ten times.

Reverse leg lifts. Lie on your stomach and lift one leg, keeping your knee slightly bent. Hold for ten seconds and return to the starting position. Repeat ten times with each leg.

Know What You Need

Even if your PCs and other muscles are as toned as an 18-year-old''''s, there''''s more to reaching your sexual potential than physical prowess.

In fact, that gray matter between your ears is probably the single most important sexual organ in your body, notes Dr. Volker. "You could do all the exercises in the world, but if you''''ve been raped or are the victim of incest--or if there are trust issues or a power play going on with your partner--the exercises won''''t do any good," she notes.

If your sex life is less than satisfying, and you know that you''''ve been sexually abused in the past, counseling and therapy are the most logical answer.

"Making love is a learned experience," notes Dr. Levinson. "Animals do it instinctively, but humans need to be taught. I don''''t think anyone is destined to be a bad lover."

Whatever your thoughts and feelings about sex, it helps to know your own body and your own responses as well as possible. There are lots of ways to work at maximizing your sex life on your own. Here are some therapists'''' suggestions.

Be your own lover. Most women learn to have orgasms through self-stimulation before they can have them with a partner, notes Dr. Volker. They touch themselves and find a way to show their partner, maybe by guiding the partner''''s hand. "You can do it playfully or very erotically. It can be fun."

Here''''s a brief how-to: Begin by touching your body with your hands, exploring every part--including the most sensitive areas, such as your nipples and pubic region, says Domeena Renshaw, M.D., director of the Loyola Sexual Dysfunction Clinic in Chicago and author of Seven Weeks to Better Sex. Then focus on your sexual organs, exploring leisurely, moving at your own pace. Note what kind of motion and pressure your clitoris responds to most. Move your finger down to the vaginal opening and slide it in. Be sure that your genitals are lubricated. If needed, body oil (such as coconut oil), saliva or petroleum jelly works fine. (But remember: Don''''t use petroleum jelly or baby oil during intercourse if you are using a barrier contraceptive such as condoms or diaphragms. They break down latex rubber.) You can also stimulate your genitals by friction against clothes or an object such as a